Liz Says:

Whitney and I have a rule that once we agree upon a movie to critique, we are not allowed to discuss the film with one another until we read each other’s finalized reviews. I saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine before she did, and not being able to give her my opinions of this film almost killed me. Because I wasn’t able to talk to her about it then, I would now like to tell her (and anyone else I wasn’t able to warn): I’m sorry. Knowing full well that this movie stunk like past-due milk and not being able to stop people from seeing it is, in and of itself, a tragedy. I hope that one day we are able to look back on this moment and laugh, but right now I feel like a horrible friend. Friends don’t let friends go see X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

The three original X-Men films were ensemble pieces. This one is just a piece of crap. This movie is monumentally horrendous. The director, Gavin Hood (whom one of you might remember from that episode of Stargate he stars in) drops the ball on this movie. And he drops it hard: stale script, clichéd characters, cheesy acting. Let’s start with the script. Wait, that’s too painful. Let’s start with the acting. Wait … (you get the idea).

I am truly at a loss for words as to how unentertaining and downright horrible Wolverine is. The fact that it has now grossed millions upon millions of dollars makes me really sad. This is what Hollywood offers the masses and they just eat it right up? I have also come to the conclusion that computer-generated graphics (CGI) is added to films to numb people’s minds and hypnotize them into a subdued mental state until they become convinced that this drivel is actually entertaining. That is the only thing that makes sense anymore because these blockbuster movies make absolutely no sense.

There is one female lead in the film, played by Lynn Collins, and she plays Wolverine’s (Hugh Jackman) love interest, Kayla Silverfox. Kayla is, without a doubt, the single most boring female character ever to grace the big screen (this title was previously held by Gwyneth Paltrow’s character in Iron Man, Pepper Potts). I say that she is boring because her character was intentionally written as a “weak female.” This is insulting to me, not only as a woman but also as a moviegoer. We ladies get one character and she sucks. A double whammy! I think Collins is a perfectly fine actress (I love anyone who stars in my favorite television show of the moment, True Blood), and she does the best she can with the material that is given to her. It’s the actual material that I have a problem with.

Hugh Jackman. Where should I even begin? To say that Jackman “overdoes it” as Wolverine this time around is the understatement of the year. I found myself laughing numerous times at him throughout the viewing of this picture but, sadly, not for any intentional comedy. Liev Schreiber plays his brother, Sabretooth, and I used to respect him as an actor, but after this train wreck, I am rethinking my opinion. I have seen better acting by Shamu at SeaWorld. Some of the other supporting cast includes an overly obese, CGI-enhanced boxer, known as The Blob, played by Kevin Durand. Up until this point, I already thought this movie was bad, but once they introduced The Blob, Wolverine suddenly stepped over the boundary of “bad” and into the realm of “revolting.” How offensive. And Ryan Reynolds, as Deadpool, has now lost all credibility for me. He is beyond awful.

Toward the end, something happens that ties this movie into the other X-Men films. During this scene some people in the audience might have been thinking, “How interesting!” But the only thing I was thinking was: “Oh my god, who cares? Please end soon!”

The next time someone thinks that a prequel is a good idea, I recommend sitting in a dark room and watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine over and over until that idea pops out of your head. Because it most certainly will.

Read Liz’s rebuttal

Whitney Says:

Viewed alone @ the Park Slope Pavilion, May 8, 2009

Before I begin, a comment on the American moviegoing experience: I don’t know how you guys feel, but the movie theater has become the most annoying place to watch a movie. Nowadays, I’d say probably one in 10 experiences turns out “good” for me, compared to a shocking average of nine in 10 from my youth. To start with, I was like a frozen nut in my seat, because the A/C was a-blowin’ like I was in the hospital. The lights constantly illuminating the floor (which is kind of a new development within the past 10 years or so) are too bright, which leaches from the euphoric “loss of myself” in the story. Equally aggravating are the rest of the people sitting around me, especially in Brooklyn (don’t look at me like that; you know I’m right). They’re talking, taking calls in the middle of the movie, kicking my chair, making out (sometimes with me). Sitting in a cinema house in NYC is comparable to meditating in a shark tank; it’s easy to lose your concentration. Now, let’s get this circus on the road.

My layout is going to be a little different than usual. I’m going to say upfront that I loved Wolverine. It was fun to watch, I’m definitely gonna see it again, and I’ll probably buy it. Now, I think you know what’s coming; there were parts that annoyed the nooch out of me. The following is why I love reviewing movies:

1) In the beginning, I was openly disappointed to see these scratchy, pinky-thin bones coming out of Wolverine’s hands before they were replaced with adamantium claws. Supposedly, he wields these rickety claws and has killed people for over a hundred years, yet his brother steps on them and breaks them? Come on. Also, there was a scene where Logan (Wolverine’s other identity) is taking a moment to look over his adamantium claws in the bathroom. They looked so fake; I couldn’t believe it. They never came off as questionable in the other three X-Men movies.

2) That’s another thing. Logan’s brother, Victor, had these incredible claws, which were his fingernails. That’s cool, BUT I totally didn’t buy the instance where he dragged those nails through the hood of Logan’s car. That was so unbelievable, and I was pissed to watch it. Really, scratch claws? Didn’t like that. Didn’t BUY that.

3) Albeit, this is probably me being picky, but Kayla Silverfox bothered me. I think she was miscast. She looked too perfect and not authentic, almost like she had work done.

4) As much as I love Hugh Jackman’s body and appreciate him for showing it off (Jesus Christ), there was a tad too much flexing, even for me. It would have been more powerful if Wolverine had only flexed his muscles during points where he literally couldn’t help it, like in combat, but sometimes, he would be standing there talking casually … and flexing.

5) A seriously dead horse is beaten to death when an explosion explodes behind Logan’s back and he doesn’t turn around to look at it. Cliché! Granted, Logan was probably so pissed off at the guy in the blast that he wanted to add to the insult by not bothering to watch his death, but still. I couldn’t have rolled my eyes back into my head any farther. I almost glimpsed at my own brain.

6) Nearly no lady mutants—LAME. This brought Origins dangerously close to being a circle-jerk like the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I’m sure the writers were making some sort of a statement by showing mostly all gentlemen mutants, but it was a little unfulfilling for me. Sure, Emma Frost (Tahyna Tozzi) was cool to watch, but it was almost like they threw her in at the last minute, realizing they’d forgotten to “reprezent” earlier. Even there, she was only able to defend herself, and her sister’s power was that of persuasion? How about a girl who can rip your throat out? What, the men are brave and kill, but the women don’t? Come on, X-Men! Where’s the edge that I know and love? The other three X-Men movies are chock-full of powerful, butt-kicking women.

Besides that list, and a tad too many overly sentimental moments, Wolverine is a good time. Some positive notes: Deadpool, the guy with the katana swords, is awesome, and the teleporting cowboy, John Wraith (Will i Am), is so tits. They brought a young Scott Summers (Tim Pocock) into the plot, which I loved, because his mutant power is overwhelming and among my favorites of all the X-Men. God, I sound like a nerd right now. Furthermore, I know Liz was loving that El Camino! (It was her dream car all throughout her teen years. It probably still is.)

Hugh Jackman and his body are the best things about this movie (I might be speaking for Liz here, too). Wolverine, to me, is a pointedly satisfying hero. On screen, I can’t take my eyes off of him. Everything about him is riveting: his history, love for Jean Grey, choice in clothing, passion-induced squabbles, adamantium skeleton, regenerating body, the fact that he must endure pain in order to use his claws, he never gets used to pain, his hair… He’s a fascinating, multifaceted character, and I could watch him as the centerpiece in a dozen movies.

Read Whitney’s rebuttal